I suppose this was a long time coming.
Where do I start? For over a year and a half now, it's seemed that my presence here is a poisonous one. My few arrivals in the chat room saw me arguing with people, some of whom absolutely did not deserve it. I poked my head out with a story and it erupted into further drama thanks to my own oversight. Though I've remained connected to the league in name, it's been many a moon since I've actually jumped into the sandbox with any of you. I've battled and warred more times than could ever possibly be justified for what is, supposedly, recreation for us all. My interaction with the FBA has been typified by vicious arguments, not collaboration and fun.
And those are what we're supposed to be doing here, right? Collaborate, have fun?
I should point out that I never sought out to isolate myself from the league. Any impression I've ever given that I "dislike" this project, or anyone in it, is entirely an accident on my part, and I apologize (though with as much time having passed, I doubt many have noticed or cared). For those of you who do recall things like the 2013 All Star Weekend, that's what I've always wanted out of my existence here. Those were the highlights, the real shining moments. Sure, I've had my disagreements with individuals, but that's the nature of a large project, isn't it? We can't all be on the same page. What was never supposed to be was it seeming as though I held any antipathy toward the league itself, toward all of the people writing, drawing, making, doing.
By now, it's probably not worth getting into the swamp of drama, nor would I want to even if it weren't mostly publicly known already. I've never felt it appropriate to drag personal grievances publicly and I'm not going to change that here, but I will say that as those incidents piled up, the more I butted heads with others, it made it harder for me to dredge up the energy to be much in the league like I'd once been. Lord knows I'd love to have still done things like before, dive into the Twitter banter, collaborate more often, contribute to the league as a whole rather than sitting off to the side with what is, by now, seen as less of an FBA project and more as an independent thing nominally part of the league for no good reason.
Nor will I make excuses by dredging up my personal life. Much to my chagrin, a lot of that is ALSO publicly known by now, but it doesn't matter. Life is life, it doesn't excuse fomenting a negative atmosphere for others. End of transaction. When people are on Twitter, or in the FBA chat, what they're looking to do is play, relax, have fun. Not get embroiled in heaps of turmoil and drama. Yet that's what I've brought to the league as of late.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
For as long as I've been involved with the FBA, the "high" of it has always been from working with people and making something toward the community as a whole. Obviously I've been invested in the whole Alfie bullshit, I don't think it's unfair for any of us to fall in love with and be proud of what we've done. However, it was not supposed to be in any way "separated" from the rest. Behind the scenes drama made it more and more difficult for us, for me, to have that as woven in with everyone else as we might have otherwise wanted. Because, wow, we really did want this journey we embarked upon to be more than the pair of us seeming like we were walled off from the rest and only poking our heads in when we needed something. It was supposed to be an experiment of sorts, a test of "how deep of a story can be made in this structure?"
To that end, the experiment was, I suppose, a failure. The going got tough, fighting grew, but rather than trying to push through, I hunkered down in my own little bomb shelter and only dug in deeper as things got worse. The funny thing about that is, the longer you stay in there, the more you begin to resent those who you see as more free to run around in the bright sun. I struggled to reach out because it hurt my skull to attempt to keep playing in the park with all the other problems boiling under the surface, and me being the asshole I am the only thing that got me motivated enough to dive in was when I saw a situation that was "unfair" where I could put up a fight that I believed was for a good cause. The ensuing explosion would only sour me more and I'd retreat back to my safe little bunker.
Rinse, repeat, stretch out for eighteen months, and here we are.
It aches me terribly, especially for those who are newer to the league and their introduction to me is as this whirlwind of negativity. It's frankly irrelevant what reasons I could weave together for it, because that negativity exists and I'm at the epicenter of it. The "why" of it means nothing. If I walk into someone's house and shit on the floor, there's no explanation that will make that shit vanish off of the carpet. It's there, and I put it there. I embarked upon this all with the best of intentions, but in the actual execution, boy did I fall on my face. So little of this has turned out the way I would have wanted.
And wow, god damn am I sorry for that. I don't even know if there's a scrap of good will left, if I could even re-integrate myself into the league if I tried. With the season about over now, I suppose now is the time to try and make inroads again. It feels silly to me to discuss things like "contracts" and "schedules" because this is a situation that stretches beyond the goofy little world we've created in here, but with Alfie's contract up for renewal and a few months of offseason staring us down... I really would like to get back in, but with everything else being what it is, I have no clue if that's in the cards.
But I want to try.
If this whole thing seems rambling and aimless, that's because none of the thoughts are particularly clear in my head. I guess the take home is mostly that I'm sorry for the fact that I've been so isolated, and given off this impression that it's due to a dislike or antipathy towards the project. It is not, and never was. Even as brutally critical as I have been of the league and its structure, that was ALWAYS through the lens of wanting it to grow and be better. When I dislike something truly, I don't waste energy on it. Any comments I've ever made vis a vis what I thought was wrong with the league, or disagreements I had with how this or that was done, wasn't in a "fuck you guys you suck" sense, but rather a "we can do better" sense.
Naturally, through text, inflection and tone are stripped away and I end up sounding far, far more aggressive and disdainful than I intend. This is my fault, and like all the rest, I apologize. It's happened more times than I can count where a discussion spiraled into insanity because what I meant as simply assertive came across as antagonistic. If this only happened once or twice, perhaps I could lay the blame on the people I was talking to in those instances, but when it becomes a regular thing, that no longer holds water.
I'm brash, I'm loud, I can certainly be aggressive, and I'm prone to bottle rocket style outbursts. This isn't an excuse, it's a recognition of my failures and a declaration that I do not want this to be the case. I'll always be the same asshole, but at least I can work on not letting the BS spill out so often, and let it spoil everyone else's fun.
So, to those who've been caught in my tsunami of bullshit, sorry to all of you. To the people who don't know me from Adam, maybe I'll be able to make a better first impression than I have in the past. Or maybe no one really cares and this is just me purging a lot of thoughts I've had bouncing around for a while. I dunno.
Characters need to take a break from acting every so often. Here's where you'll find them hanging out. Just watch out for the fanfics.
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